How to Talk Politics and Stay Friends in 5 Easy (Actually Difficult, but Ultimately Necessary) Steps
Working in social media day-to-day, during an election year in particular, I see more than my fair share of volatile online arguments. Some between strangers – more among friends – almost all political in nature. And I get it. Many of today’s trending topics hit emotions hard, striking raw nerves on each side of the aisle.
By nature, I’m reactive. The eye rolls are strong with me, and I have to admit that in the past, I’ve contributed to the polarizing narrative we see online. To no one’s surprise, it netted zero positive results. I’ll save my ah-ha moment for another conversation, but in the end, I had a choice. I could either stop engaging in online conversations about tough topics altogether or I could figure out how to do it without burning bridges or being disrespectful toward total strangers.
It’s true that we need to know where and when to draw the line about our core values, but civility and debate do not require one to compromise one’s scruples. It’s hard, particularly online where every action appears to be an immediate reaction. We have to decide if what’s hard is worth it or if the cycle of online outrage will continue indefinitely.
Keys to Civil Online Political Engagement
1. Give it a minute (or 10)
You’ve seen a post that makes your blood boil – you can’t just let that go, let it be out there with no response! Going on the attack can release some of the anxiety-inducing rage you feel. But what will that accomplish? Is that satiating moment worth alienating a friend or berating a total stranger? If you answer yes, then the rest of this post might not be for you. You may have the most legitimate counterargument available, but zero percent of people will take it seriously if you deliver it IN ALL CAPS! The post will still be there in 10 minutes. Give yourself time to disconnect from the anger and collect your thoughts.
The fact is we all have reflexive contradictory reactions to politicians and political messages. We would all have far more productive dialogue if we took the time to reflect on our views before inserting our opinions elsewhere.
2. Start on a level playing field
A politician with whom I rarely agree said something with which I couldn’t agree more – “Too often we judge other groups by their worst examples while judging ourselves by our best intentions.” Whether you agree with someone or not, give them the benefit of the doubt that their intentions are at least as good as your own. Finding common ground in terms of perspective and information is far easier when we don’t vilify one another.
*Pro Tip: When you see a post praising the actions of a politician you loathe, consider what your reaction would be if the message came from your preferred candidate. Or are you willing to let one candidate off the hook for certain behaviors that you’d rally against for another? If you admire Trump’s family but would criticize Obama if he had two ex-wives, there might be a bias at play. If you champion women’s rights but have degraded Melania Trump for having previously posed nude, then the argument loses credibility.
3. Recognize opposing viewpoints
When you comment, you will be clear about your point of view (at least from your own perspective). But is it clear you understand the original argument? I’ve seen friendships irreparably damaged from simple misunderstandings about the intentions of a message. Acknowledging the other person’s point of view not only communicates that you are listening, but it helps ensure you’re not making unfair assumptions based on how you perceive an issue (i.e., if someone is voting for a candidate you despise, they are not “as bad as Hitler” #ThatHappened).
4. Stick to the facts and keep the end-game in mind
This is tough because in today’s landscape, news has become the Burger King of media – whatever you want, you can have it your way.
Look to fact-checking sites, nonpartisan think tanks, and research centers for critical analyses (keeping in mind they are not infallible).
Read op-eds you agree with but also those you don’t.
Emotionally-charged posts and thought-provoking analyses aren’t exactly mutually exclusive, but for the sake of this conversation, let’s all assume they are.
Think about the outcome – most of us want the same things fundamentally – security, freedom, happiness, etc. We are not a homogenous society, however. We are a melting pot with different priorities and needs and to make progress, we’re going to have to get comfortable talking about things that make us uncomfortable.
5. Keep it face-to-face… even when it’s not
If you can take your friend with whom you disagree out to lunch and discuss these things in person, great! But we know these conversations are happening online, behind a screen, often with complete strangers about whom we feel no duty to be courteous. This isn’t just about being respectful because it’s common decency. There’s a selfish argument to be made for civil discussion regarding adversarial points of view – if you want your message to be received, then delivery is just as important as the message itself.
Civil Social Debate – Quick Tips
Don’t go into a political discussion with the intention of changing someone’s mind.
Contrary to popular belief, there is no shame in being wrong and acknowledging it.
Even when you’re right, that doesn’t necessarily mean everyone else is wrong.
A post designed to “stick it” to your opponent will do nothing more than rattle around in an echo chamber.
We are not enemies. When we passionately disagree, we are still not enemies.